Phineas Nigellus and the …
by Funseeker
Summary: Phineas Nigellus and the … is a series of anecdotes about Phineas's life, in joker's style with all the possible respect for Phineas' satyrical humor. Featuring also Sirius' attitude towards the Noble and most antient house of Black and their moto Toujour
1. Phineas and the Philosopher’s Stone

**Phineas Nigellus and the …**

A/N: My fav character from HP series has annoyingly small number of but I adore his silver tongue and his style (sigh). So … here comes my **Phineas Nigellus' Series**. This isn't the first fic I've written but the first I've ever written in English and put online.

**Phineas Nigellus and the Philosopher's Stone**

He's always wanted _a life till infinity_ – it was his maxime, of course together with his family's moto _Toujour pur_. A neverending life is quite common Slytherin ambition.

But he had rather devoted his life to socially visible career (Headmaster) than being a social nobody, a labo-rat in alchimistic laboratory. So he didn't manage to make his own Philosoper's stone.

Thanks to his prominent career itself he got to know his future wife. Ne had no more heart of a **stone** and his new **philosophy** was _the love till death_.

A/N: I know _the noble and most ancient family_ in Phineas' times still bore the name 'Nigellus' but 'Black' fits into many plays on words.


	2. Phineas Nigellus and the Chamber of Secr...

**Phineas Nigellus and the Chamber of Secrets**

Being Headmaster wasn't a difficult job for him – a Black is born to give orders rather than to fulfil them. Being Black means to fix new standards for black humor, to examine your immaculate black silky gloves (biker Sirius is an exception), to throw menacing looks from under black hair at anyone who disobeys you and to practice black magic in spare time.

However there was still something challenging about his job – that annoying detail nearly got his ego badly! Despite his extensive knowledge about the Dark Arts Phineas could never find the Chamber of Secrects. Later, when he hung in Dumbledore's office, he found out why he couldn't. This revelation gave a boost to his portrayed ego: of course he couldn't have found the Chamber, for he wasn't the Heir of Slytherin but much better: the Heir of Black!


	3. Phineas Nigellus and the Prisoner of Azk...

**Phineas Nigellus and the Prisoner of Azkaban **

Like every prominent polititian or academician Phineas also had to visit Azkaban. It really wasn't his favourite idea of how to spend an enjoyable afternoon but even a Black has to go with the flow sometimes.

Unable to evade trip to the North Sea Phineas spent the morning in gazing at his gloves, scratching his pointed beard and collecting happy thoughts to produce his Patronus, an oversized silvery silky glove. He had succedded at it many times, but never in such extreme conditions as waited for him in Azkaban.

Phineas felt pressure of his family name: a true Black is always ready for everything, even a Dementor atack, but Phineas had made a really poor job so far.

Most of events he had attended were his boring duties, not fulfilment. He was (like too intelligent and too spoilt aristocrats) indifferent to most things around him and only a few had provoked him. Why? He had hardly met any challenge in life … and we know that hapiness is born of a challenge you deal with successfully.

Finally he thought of his wife's attempt to poison him: "That's it – a happy thought: revenge! What poison shall I use?" His hands (in gloves of course) were already in his study's 'minibar' but he suddenly changed his mind: "Salazar's beard, how come I've forgotten! I can't poison her now, nor for the next 6 months – she's pregnant and I want my heir to be healthy … my heir – _he's _the happy thought!"

Well … 6 months later, _she_ was perfectly healthy Black heiress.


	4. Phineas Nigellus and the Goblet of Fire

**Phineas Nigellus and the Goblet of Fire **

Phineas was, as we know, thirsty of proving himself. The Triwizard Tournament would be a good chance for that but unfortulatelly the Tournament was banned (also because of the cockatrice incident in 1792) just during the time Phineas could have attended it.

"I've never been able to put my name into the Goblet of Fire … well, I can put my problems in a glass of Firewhisky anytime …"


	5. Phineas Nigellus and the Order of the Ph...

**Phineas Nigellus and the Order of the Phoenix **

"Damnit – all the others have nothing to do, it's always me! I have to visit my despicable, disrespectful descendant, not worth carrying my family name, not worthy living in the house he's profaning day after day! Ungrateful bastard is driving my dear great-granddaughter mad! I only knew her when I was already a painting but she's always been a Black with heart and soul. No, I'll not respond to Dumbledore's call, let him and the horde of red-heads wait a bit longer …! Oh, no, even my colleagues are calling me, louder and louder … I'm even too lazy to pretend I have just woken up … They'll know I was faking but I just don't care …"


	6. Phineas Nigellus and the Half Blood Prin...

**Phineas Nigellus and the Half Blood Prince **

"I've dropped my plans to poison my wife – she's punished enough by morning sickness," Phineas thought absentmindedly, caressing his gloves. Next moment the would-be victim was running to bathroom but she never made it. Distastefully displayed bits of breakfast ended on his brand-new silky piece of clothing and he was, in language of today, totally pissed off. And we all know, it's bad if Headmaster Nigellus gets only slightly irritated early in the morning. All the Hogwarts actually suffers the consequences. When Phineas arrived at work (not just _slightly_ irritated) the first person/thing he met was the devilish poltergeist. With a just too polite bow Peeves asked: "Lovely morning, your Headmastership! Did your wife mistake you for vomit bucket _again_?"

Poltergeist was too bright to wait for the response, but Phineas didn't really care. How unusual for him! Even Blacks look at the bright side of live sometimes and even such mockery was worth for getting the new Black family name bearer, the pure blood princess.

_**To be continued as soon as the official title of book 7 is made known!**_


End file.
